How to Stay Sober(ish) at a Party - Even if Just This Once
March 6, 2023
Drinking is an important part of social life—from the early days of sneaking a sip from a parent or relative’s stash, to drinking with friends in college or after work, and to work parties, weddings, and reunions. I noticed just how entrenched drinking is, especially in academia, when graduating from drinking in college, to graduate school, and into my PhD. At 31, I decided to take the plunge into sobriety. It has been four years, and the events didn’t stop, barring COVID, of course. There are still work parties, reunions, and weddings, oh so many weddings.
Over the years, I have developed tools to maintain sobriety when socializing. While I do focus on drinking here and I do so within the context of long term sobriety, there are many reasons to momentarily abstain from alcohol or any other drug of choice when on a night out, which may include a morning interview or shift, or to even lower your tolerance to maximize pleasure later on (for weed, tolerance breaks can be essential).
So, whether you are abstaining for the long term, or just this once, and whether it is from drinking or any other drug of choice, I thought these tools might be helpful for you. Because, hey, social life goes on, whether you drink/use drugs or not.
Recognize Prevent Jitters
If you are like me, you find yourself having pre-event jitters, a kind of cocktail, as the perhaps ill-fitting pun goes, of excitement and dread. In fact, when I started going out, I often pre-pre gamed. I would have a few beers by myself, my friends would come over and we would have a few more, then we would go out for even more - and, after the bar, come back for more.
I spoke with a neuroscientist at Arcadia University, Logan Fields, and he confirmed that alcohol does decrease anxiety, impacting at first the brain’s higher order areas like the frontal cortex, “This is why your first drink or so makes you feel sociable but fifteen drinks in can suppress your movement and breathing.”
While that anxiety is real, I have found that it often goes away once I am at the event. It is like jumping into cold water, once you are in it, you will be fine. The following tools will also help with pre-event anxiety.
Plan a Fun Drink of Choice
Every time I go to a party, I have preplanned drink, often seltzer or coffee. While I now rely on decaf, when I first stopped drinking I relied on energy drinks. And, you know, what? That’s OK. In fact, maybe there is a drink you haven’t had in a long time – a frappe, smoothie, or shake. Or, if you are concerned about others seeing you not drink, a mixer is a great option. When it comes to a party, it’s always nice to have something to hold onto. If weed or a different drug is your thing, that’s fine, too. Just be honest with yourself on what your comfortable with and what sobriety means to you.
And, believe it or not, much of the fun you have at a party is not necessarily from drinking, but it’s the social interacting. Dr. Fields explained it like this,
“From a psychological perspective, going to a party isn’t as much about the feeling of intoxication as it is the reward of being in a fun environment, with people you like, having good conversations. All of those positive things become strongly associated with the action of drinking something.” So, drinking a mixer, soda, or seltzer, as Dr. Fields continues, “trick[s] your brain into thinking you are fulfilling the same process,”
Tell People Whatever You Need To
People will probably ask you what you are drinking. If your preplanned drink looks like a mix drink, you can lie or fudge the truth, just say it’s a mix drink. If you tell the inquisitor you are not drinking, you can offer a variety of excuses, that you want to take the night off, are a designated driver, taking a cleanse, or you have a morning obligation, homework, or a meeting, whatever it is.
They may look skeptical, but, I have found, most people are more concerned about their own drinking and social appearance, and some might even appreciate you wanting to be sober. Either way, sticking to your intentions is highly rewarding, despite social pressure.
Have a Support System
It helps to vocalize your intentions to stay sober. Your support system may be a friend or partner attending the party with you. Whether they drink or not, they will know your intentions and can advocate for you.
Or, you might just tell a family member or friend. Let them know you will call or text them if things get a bit rough. And make sure to do just that.
If you are not comfortable telling someone in your personal life, you can go to an online support group and post a comment. Just telling someone helps maintain accountability and, when you return with the good news, it can make it that much more rewarding.
If you do not want to tell anyone, then write yourself a note. Journaling is always a great place to check in on yourself.
Go Easy on Yourself
You don’t need to be the life of the party. It’s OK to hangout by the snacks or just have some short conversations, or long conversations with a person or two. And it’s OK if you say something “stupid,” or “act weird.” I have noticed that people are much more preoccupied with how they present themselves and their own drinking. Often, no on really cares that much.
In fact, when I drank, I often got caught up on if I was acting weird or saying something “stupid” as a consequence of my drinking—I didn’t want to be that guy, who gets too drunk and completely alters their personality. Now if I do something out of the norm, I can own up to it. It’s empowering.
Know When to Leave
It is OK to leave early. No one needs you to be there; the party will go on. You might even go for a short walk. A few hours into a wedding reception, I went for a walk in the summer night. It was refreshing, and no one, that I can tell, knew I had left. Sometimes I’ll just sit in the bathroom and do some breathing exercises.
If you are the designated driver, you might feel more trapped. To be sure, being a designated driver is a great way to maintain sobriety. I have felt it immensely rewarding making sure everyone gets home safe—and people appreciate it!
Nevertheless, if you need to leave, you need to leave. And, people can still find a way home because, hey, that’s what Uber, Lyft, a taxi, or public transporation is for. And, make sure to not feel obligated to be the designated driver all of the time.
Prepare for the Next Day
A major benefit to staying sober is avoiding the morning hangover. I dreaded the next morning, where I not only would feel sick but have an immense amount of anxiety. A study that tested college students’ drinking patterns and emotional responses found, “Heavy alcohol consumption lowers mood, disrupts sleep, increases anxiety and produces physical symptoms, emotional symptoms and symptoms of fatigue throughout the next morning.”
Needless to say, having that morning rest can exhilarating.
But you also might have extra time you don’t know what to do with. Plan a fun day, maybe doing something you haven’t done in a while. You could go hiking; play some music; play video games; make art; do errands; visit a family member, or just unwind. That morning plan also gives you another reason to stay sober.
And go easy on yourself here, too. Social hangovers are real, so if you just want to nap, do it, just without the added headache.
Have Fun and Explore
When sober at a party, I realized that I could have fun. It was like a switch would turn on and I could be sociable. To quote Dr. Fields again, “Most drug use early on is thought to be primarily only a facilitator to social reward (a reason to be around other people and fit in). So it’s not as much about the drug itself, it’s more about the fun experience with people.” I could be sociable, and be proud of myself.
If you are used to drinking a lot, like I was, moments of sobriety also offered a kind of mind-altering experience—a way to see reality from a lens I would all-too-often forget.
It Doesn’t Need to be Forever
